Travel Tips

The Top 10 Valentine’s Day Disasters

Valentine’s Day is traditionally a 24-hour period when lovers around the world celebrate their body bumpings with lavish meals, red roses and a sip of champagne. However, even the best laid plans sometimes come apart at the seams - so this February we decided to take a look at what happens when it all goes spectacularly wrong.

1. In Sickness and in Health
   

   Picture in your mind if you will, a fast food restaurant in Ohio called White Castle. As the name suggests, this burger joint has a somewhat chateau-like appearance and so it was this spot where lucky Lauren went on her Valentine’s Day date, several years ago. Selecting the famous slider burger from the menu, a unique gastronomic reaction soon occurred and where there should have been smooching, there was projectile vomit instead. The cherry on top came a year later when a shot of the couple bathing in each other’s romantical glow - pre-chunder - was posted on the restaurant’s website as part of a Valentine’s Day promotion. Needless to say, all friendly feelings had ceased long before this shot was published.

2. Date Overboard
   

   Many years ago at a university in the north of England, two lovers wearing rose tinted glasses decided to brave the February chill, pack a picnic and hire a rowing boat for a film-star moment or two, on the River Wear. Ten minutes in, it became clear that the near freezing temperatures were not conducive to romantically liaisons especially when upon biting into a jam sandwich, a tooth and a tongue sustained an injury against the grain of the frozen, sugary contents. In a dramatic and Bridget Jones-esque over reaction to the chomp, lover number one flailed violently and overturned the boat, depositing all and sundry in the freezing cold, winter waters.

3. Burn Baby Burn
   

   Once upon a time a somewhat big boned gentleman couldn’t believe his luck when out of the blue, the most stunning woman in the office asked him out on a Valentine’s Day date. After days of lingering glances and the casual brushing of hands at the water tower, it seemed certain that this date was only going to end in one way. Scared to death of disappointing the temptress when disrobed, our man Dan sought out an online solution in the form of a lotion that promised to firm, and tone everything in the abdominal area. After applying a generous amount, he headed to the restaurant where the lotion kicked in. Squeaking in pain as he tried to force even the smallest of morsel of food into his rigid stomach, Dan was forced to concede defeat and ran off the nearest A&E. Too embarrassed to ever explain, Dan never spoke to the woman of his dreams again.

4. New York City Blues
   

   Two-years-ago in the big apple, a young Casanova called Matt entered into a bet with his testosterone fuelled buddies. He wagered that he could conduct six dates in the space of one Valentine’s evening, kiss each lady and take the last date home. After betting big, Matt’s circle of friends decided to level the playing field with a stick of dynamite, borrowed his phone and rearranged the dates to commence all at once. Sitting in Peels, just off Broadway Matt, looked on in horror and disbelief as his dates entered the restaurant, one after the other. Matt left Peels bathed in the best part of a bottle of red.

5. Break Down in Bruges
   

   Two-years ago in the romantic city of Bruges, Victoria and Michael were excited to be spending Valentine’s Day in such an idyllic, and snowy setting. That was until a row kicked off over whether they should take a horse drawn carriage ride. Like a row of carefully balanced dominoes, this almighty spat soon had several knock on effects. Absorbed in their verbal assault, the couple missed this dinner reservation. Later driven by hunger, they went out for a dirty burger and fries from a street vendor – the only place still serving food. Food poisoning soon set in and unable to leave the bathroom, the pair missed their trains home to London. By the time they did leave, Victoria and Michael were confronted by a train crash outside of Brussels and so had to catch a dozen local trains to Lille, in order to connect with the Eurostar. After five-hours of queuing here, they eventually made it onboard. The relationship lasted until Christmas.

6. Break and Entry, Broken Heart
   

   At the University of Durham, many moons ago, a first year History student by the name of Emma was enjoying a formal dinner in the grand hall, where the wine flowed freely and the conversation sizzled alongside the sexy dresses. Emma however was not destined to continue this magical night and was soon plucked from her table by a rotund policeman, and a university administrator who escorted Emma to her halls. Entering her room, Emma was dismayed to see a broken window and an empty desk where her computer and HiFi used to be. Instead of boogying into the wee hours and flirting with the boys, Emma spent her Valentine’s Day on a three-hour call to her insurance company in the company of a fat policeman.

7. Too Much Choice on the Menu
   

   Melissa had always been bad at making decisions, so when she was confronted with choosing between waiter Jeremy and banker Jeff after three-months of double dating, she reluctantly went with her society-drilled–in instincts, and went for Jeff. Feeling thoroughly guilty and middle class, Melissa agreed to a special Valentine’s Day dinner to bring cheer and distraction. However when it turned out to be Jeremy who delivered the menus and breadsticks to their table, Melissa turned an embarrassing shade of beetroot. Unable to mask her shame and held in place by the icy stare of the waiter, Melissa was forced to confess her sins and left soon after. Jeremy comped Jeff’s meal and the pair have been friends ever since.

8. Madness in Manhattan
   

   Sitting alone on their favourite bench in Central Park, Katrina waited for her on-off lover Jared to arrive for their champagne picnic. Wrapped up against the chill, Katrina checked her watch to confirm that Jared was in fact over an hour late. Jared never showed up at the bench because as Katrina was to discover, he was being held by police after pushing a secret mistress too far. Discovering that her toy boy was planning to spent Valentine’s Day with Katrina, this Upper East Side vixen reported her credit card - loaned to Jared - stolen and informed the police that she had an inkling of who might have it. Despite the set up and the arrest, Katrina bailed Jared out and the pair have been a couple for three-years.

9. Love Actually, Off The Rails
   

   After months of trying to jump-start a romance with the apple of his eye, Mark decided to take a leaf out of Love Actually and prepared oversized flash cards, each displaying the wooing words from the film, word for word. After rapping on her door, Mark quickly set up his phone to play Silent Night through its tiny speakers. He beamed when the girl of his dreams opened the door and focused her whole, somewhat stunned, gaze on the scene he’d created. Turning each card over, Mark hurried to the end and looked on eagerly for a sign of positive reinforcement. Unable to reciprocate anything more than feelings of friendship, the girl blushed, apologised and closed the door.

10. Too Far, Too Soon
    

    Concluding this round up of woeful romancing is the terrible tale of Jane and Henry who decided to throw caution to wind, and book their first dinner date on Valentine’s Day. After all, what could be more romantic than an annual anniversary on the fourteenth of February? After ordering their starters at a popular London eatery, Jane excused herself and started down the stairs, toward the toilet. Jane however missed a step, took a tumble, broke a knee and ended up in A&E. Understaffed and unable to stay with Jane, the nurses instructed Mark to stay with Jane at all times and to hold a special tray under Jane, when she felt the call of nature. Unable to walk or hold it in any longer, Jane was forced to do more on a first date, than she would have in any other situation. Jane eventually made a full recovery but after the waterworks, this budding romance didn’t make it through the night.

- Rob Savage