Matt the Mouth
People are funny. I love it when I’m around a group of friends and the conversation elevates from your everyday chitchat to one of those profound philosophical debates. You know, things like creationism vs. evolution, free will vs. determinism or boxers vs. briefs (or boxer briefs). Generally these talks devolve into a shouting match in which supposed friends hurl remarks full of seething hatred at each other.
It was during one of these discussions that I was asked what I would change if I ruled the world. My first thought was how I would change the fact that I was ruling the world because a job with that much responsibility conflict with my loftier goals of napping and learning to walk down stairs on my hands. I then started to give it some serious thought and realised that yes, I could stand to see a few changes.
First off, everyone deemed ignorant would be required to travel on government‐funded trips each year so that they could experience other cultures. These trips would not however be just bum‐bag and photo filled vacations. Oh no. Each person would have to walk a mile in another’s shoes ‐ as they say. They would do the same jobs, sleep in the same places and utilise the same toilet methods (or in many cases, the lack of). I think most of our problems with each another are bred out of ignorance and it’s hard to be ignorant when the stench of another person’s lifestyle is stinging your eyes.
Also, that foul industry of advertising would cease to exist as we know it. I’m not going to lie to you. I was at one time a university student specialising in advertising. It was then however that I realised I didn’t in fact want to donate my soul to Satan and perform his deeds. I understand the need for advertising and it does make sense, but do companies have to be so blatantly dishonest? No they do not. Beautiful women in bikinis will not surround me upon opening a beer and smoking a ‘delicious’ cigarette will not relieve those pesky asthma symptoms. I don’t even have asthma, but that’s not the point.
There are plenty of ways to attract customers without such grandiose hyperbole. Lying is the lazy route. It’s so easy to lie and reap the benefits when there are no real consequences. I like to think that I’m impervious to most advertising ploys, but a company really gains my respect when their ads are seemingly honest and clever. Since this is an e‐zine and you are clearly at a computer, I implore you to seek out clever ads on a search engine of your choice. Were adverts more honest and witty you would most likely have more money having not purchased that Slanket (it’s a blanket with sleeves) or some other similarly ridiculous item.
Most importantly however, everyone would be made temporarily sterile at birth. Just go with me on this. I don’t think anyone can deny that there are far too many babies being had around the world ‐ by accident. Nor do I think you could argue against me saying that some people just shouldn’t have kids. Consider the fact that there are a large number of people in the world that can’t afford to feed, clothe and house their own children. Also consider the fact that some people are a waste of space and shouldn’t be allowed to plague the world with more of their genetic poison. Take weathermen for example.
Under my system a child‐seeking couple would be forced to fill out an Application for Impregnation (AI), which would need to include proof of financial responsibility, an above average score on the Are You a Douchebag or Not Exam and as always, be notarised. Then a Procre‐Agents would review each application and approve or deny them, according to the stated criteria. If approved, some drug would be administered to make the male’s little swimmers active again. Sounds lovely doesn’t it? There would be less hunger, fewer dreams stolen by unwanted children and less consequences when it came to unprotected sex. Come to think of it, that’s another change I would make. No more STDs.
‐ Matt Smith
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