Matt the Mouth
Friends, readers, hostel‐men (and women). The time has once again come for you to lend me your ears, or your eyes in this case. In what is sure to be a flimsy and possibly hypocritical theory, I’d like to share with you some of my thoughts on one of the most pseudo of all sciences ‐ psychology. I mean I’m as qualified as any other man to wax poetic about the nature of the human brain right? I’ll answer that rhetorical question for you. I’m not only qualified to do so but also obliged ‐ as part of my service to humanity.
Sure psychologists have advanced degrees and formal training, but that didn’t stop good old Freud from reducing the majority of our thought processes to love for our parents … or Penes. I think I can do better. We’ve all heard of the standard personality types such as Type A, passive‐aggressive and so forth, however I’ve dusted off the old notepad and analysed a few of my friends over the course of a few outings, meals and alcoholic endeavours. Here are a few personality types that I noticed on my own. Me 1 ‐ Psychologists 0.
The 1‐Upper
This person is a monster. They spend their time making themselves feel like James Bond (or Jane Bond) by trying to outdo anything you or anyone else has ever done. Let’s say you have an amazing story about how you got arrested at a strip club in Vegas for tipping the girls with chicken wings from the buffet, ended up sharing a cell with the real Elvis (who is still alive), proceeded to tunnel your way out with chopsticks and how he bought you a baby elephant to thank you. Well, they can top it. They already did that, before you did and in better clothes.
The Expert
This is broad personality type that includes wine aficionados, computer technicians, mechanics and hipsters. These folks get their jollies from being smarter than you in whatever small nuance of the world they occupy all of their time with. A lot of jargon (the word obscure is favoured by the Expert) is thrown around to confuse and disorient you, giving them the upper hand ‐ if only in their own mind. I suppose situations with these people are however ultimately win‐win. They feel very important and superior, and the rest of us get some cool new tunes on the iPod before plodding on with the general consensus that the Expert is a world class jackass.
The Naysayer
These people are easy to identify. They will have wrinkles around their mouth due to the O‐shape made when constantly saying ‘no that’s not a good idea’ or ‘I’m going to sit this one out because my Mum was overprotective and taught me to fear everything in the world.’ They also have an ever present rain cloud over their head. They don’t like weird foods, staying up too late on a work night or danger. The Naysayer is the enemy of fun. You see this character represented in movies all of the time. They are the voice of reason trying to talk the wild and crazy protagonist out of whatever awesome idea they have. The first example that comes to mind for me is Boo Boo from the old Yogi Bear cartoons, but that may be a reference too obscure for you to understand … ha ha.
The Yaysayer
The Yaysayers, as I so brilliantly call them, are the antithesis of the Naysayers. I think they are fairly self explanatory in that they are up for anything. Starting a sentence with ‘Do you want to’ will promptly evoke an emphatic ‘yes’ from these people. They are the most fun, wild and entertaining individuals, although sometimes to a fault. There is one phrase that is a common final utterance of the Yaysayer as they are driven off to the hospital: “Man that would have been awesome if it had worked.”
Until next month, I’ll be here in Paris waiting for the Nobel Prize people to come calling.
‐ Matt Smith
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