Matt the Mouth
I'm exhausted and it's not because I just wiped out running for bus... simultaneously breaking a bottle of wine, ripping my pants, and cutting my hand (although that's part of it). No, it's because I've spent the last year performing some massive renovations that I've only just been able to put the final touches to.
The work had nothing to do with a house or car or boat since I don't own any of the above ... or much else besides a laptop and a suitcase that a cat may or may not have peed in. It probably did. I was in fact doing some intense reconstruction on the Temple of Me, making significant improvements on aspects of my personality.
While the project may not have involved my muscles, there was no shortage of heavy lifting. As it turns out, habits and beliefs are some of the most immoveable objects in existence, and it takes a Herculean effort to dislodge them. Starting out, it felt a bit like some Tibetans handed me a shovel, pointed towards Everest, and said: "Hey could you move that? It's really blocking our view of Nepal." I started digging.
I suppose I'll speak a bit more concretely. A while back I hurt someone deeply - someone very important to me. Watching their pain was like staring into a mirror, their hurt a reflection of what evil was within me. I didn't like what I saw. Right then, an epiphany dawned on me. It was an idea that I'd heard of many times before, but never before had it carried any impact. It was this: The world does NOT revolve around me.
Fear not though, this is not just a tale of woe. It's one of redemption or at least the struggle for it. For those of you who are heroin addicts, you may be able to relate, but no one else, I fear, can understand the raw euphoric and addictive power of the worst drug on Earth: Ego. Sometimes in life we can be all-consuming ego-monsters, devouring anything in our path, often without even noticing it. It was only this extreme and painful event that put me on the road to recovery, with that all-important first step - realising and admitting there's a problem.
As far as I knew, there was no official support group where I could go for help or a 12-step program so I took things into my own hands. I took a long hard look at who I was and how my behaviors affect others. After this self-examination I had to admit the problem wasn't to be found in human nature. It was in my nature. I became not a brain surgeon, but a mind surgeon, identifying and excising all the areas deemed cancerous.
It's too bad no one ever informed me it's not actually an immediate switch from adolescence to adulthood. There's actually a desert in between. Becoming a better person is a bit like learning to juggle. You can't just start one day and be great at it. You're going to drop some ball, chainsaws or puppies depending on how high you set your goals. Ridding yourself of bad habits takes practice and persistence. If you just keep at it, one day you'll find the new talent that you wanted to learn so badly, has become second nature. I don't mean to be all cheesy and self-help preachy, but I felt strongly about this. My work isn't finished either. There will be constant tweaking from here on in. If anyone stumbles upon or creates an Egotists Anonymous program I'd like to hear about it.
- Matt Smith
