We all have those moments. You meet a rude piece of work – someone who desperately needs to be taken down a peg or two – but the witty words you require for a good old verbal ticking off won’t come to you and then, the opportunity to score a point for the good guys passes you by. Later you re-run the conversation in your head and the put downs flow from your thought streams – thick and fast – but the regret of the missed opportunity remains. Well no more because here to help you handle a whole host of situations, we’ve got the top ten put downs of all time - so read on, memorise and go to work righting those wrongs.

  1. Victim of Fashion When you’re caught in conversation with a victim of fashion and they’re critiquing everything you’re wearing, try this put down on for size:

    “You know I used to think that tops like that made everyone look chunky but it almost works on you.”


  2. When they take no for answer This one is for anyone who’s borne the brunt of a two pronged, wingman, pick up in a bar. When your pursuer won’t take no for an answer, throw this one in their direction:

    “Listen you’re nice and everything but your friend is hot. What’s their number?”


  3. Decline an invite When there’s an undesirable invite in the air and the bearer is obnoxious beyond belief, it pays to be polite - but also painfully honest. This one always works a treat:

    “Oh I wish I could, but I really don't want to.”


  4. Good exit line For general situations of all shapes and sizes, you need a good exit line – one that can disparage and also set you apart from the mundane recipient. Get out of there with this:

    “My ride is here. It looks like a huff. I think I'll leave in it.”


  5. Putting down a faker When you’re stuck with someone who’s as false as press on nails, you need to cut through their venire of fakery – that is if you don’t want to waste your time with someone who has the depth of an ash tray. Try leaving on this note:

    “Oh sweetheart – I’ve got a fake laugh with your name written all over it.”


  6. When someone blocking your way This is a great put down – especially when someone’s purposefully blocking your way and won’t shift. When they dish out the uncalled for attitude, retaliate with this:

    “I don’t care if you vomit split pea soup exorcist style and spontaneously combust – just get the hell out of my way.”


  7. Answering stupid question If you’re unfortunate enough to encounter those people who play dumb for attention and ask unnecessary questions like there’s no tomorrow, you might find the following throw away comment useful:

    “You know I always say there’s no such thing as stupid questions. Just stupid people.”


  8. When put on the spot light Sometimes it pays to mix a bit of comedy into your verbal defence mechanisms so adapt this sweeping statement as you see fit, when you’re put on the spot in a group situation:

    “Some of you I consider friends, others, people I met.”


  9. When someone offers to buy you a drink This one works when someone asks if they can buy you a drink. If they’re too smarmy to function and look like they could do with a good verbal kicking try:

    “Actually I'd rather have the money.”


  10. Cornered into a fight When you’re cornered in a conversation and the opposition is looking for a fight, you need to bring out the big guns and shoot them down before they get a chance to ruin your day. This slap down has yet to fail. Use it wisely:

    “I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.”


- Rob Savage