We all have those moments. You meet a rude piece of work - someone who desperately needs to be taken down a peg or two - but the witty words you require for a good old verbal ticking off won’t come to you and then, the opportunity to score a point for the good guys passes you by. Later you re-run the conversation in your head and the put downs flow from your thought streams - thick and fast - but the regret of the missed opportunity remains. Well no more because here to help you handle a whole host of situations, we’ve got the top ten put downs of all time - so read on, memorise and go to work righting those wrongs.
- When you’re caught in conversation with a victim of fashion and they’re critiquing everything you’re wearing, try this put down on for size:
You know I used to think that tops like that made everyone look chunky but it almost works on you.
- This one is for anyone who’s borne the brunt of a two pronged, wingman, pick up in a bar. When your pursuer won’t take no for an answer, throw this one in their direction:
Listen you’re nice and everything but your friend is hot. What’s their number?
- When there’s an undesirable invite in the air and the bearer is obnoxious beyond belief, it pays to be polite - but also painfully honest. This one always works a treat:
Oh I wish I could, but I really don't want to.
- For general situations of all shapes and sizes, you need a good exit line - one that can disparage and also set you apart from the mundane recipient. Get out of there with this:
My ride is here. It looks like a huff. I think I'll leave in it.
- When you’re stuck with someone who’s as false as press on nails, you need to cut through their venire of fakery - that is if you don’t want to waste your time with someone who has the depth of an ash tray. Try leaving on this note:
Oh sweetheart - I’ve got a fake laugh with your name written all over it.
- This is a great put down - especially when someone’s purposefully blocking your way and won’t shift. When they dish out the uncalled for attitude, retaliate with this:
I don’t care if you vomit split pea soup exorcist style and spontaneously combust - just get the hell out of my way.
- If you’re unfortunate enough to encounter those people who play dumb for attention and ask unnecessary questions like there’s no tomorrow, you might find the following throw away comment useful:
You know I always say there’s no such thing as stupid questions. Just stupid people.
- Sometimes it pays to mix a bit of comedy into your verbal defence mechanisms so adapt this sweeping statement as you see fit, when you’re put on the spot in a group situation:
Some of you I consider friends, others, people I met.
- This one works when someone asks if they can buy you a drink. If they’re too smarmy to function and look like they could do with a good verbal kicking try:
Actually I'd rather have the money.
- When you’re cornered in a conversation and the opposition is looking for a fight, you need to bring out the big guns and shoot them down before they get a chance to ruin your day. This slap down has yet to fail. Use it wisely:
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
- Rob Savage